I like Amy Dickinson, the advice columnist for the Chicago Tribune. She’s on-target most of the time, but on this column, I think she missed the boat by not giving a more complete answer. Here’s the original question with Amy’s answer and my version.
Son's preference: No gay roommate
July 20, 2009
Dear Amy: My 18-year-old son "Bob" is leaving for his freshman year of college in August. Bob just received his roommate assignment, and after "friending" him onFacebook, Bob discovered that his roomie is gay.
Bob has four older siblings who have made it successfully through college and dorm life. They've had roommates who were of different races, different cultures and different religions, and have gotten along fine. Bob would prefer a straight roommate.
When I called the university to ask if Bob could be assigned another roomie, the housing director intimated that I was persecuting the gay roommate and that if my son didn't start out rooming with the gay student, then Bob could go to another school. He can put in for a room change during the first two weeks of school if he wants to switch.
I was taken aback. The university (a Jesuit school) has no policy for gay/straight roommates, other than that they don't permit discrimination. Bob will room with the assigned roommate.
Bob has four older siblings who have made it successfully through college and dorm life. They've had roommates who were of different races, different cultures and different religions, and have gotten along fine. Bob would prefer a straight roommate.
When I called the university to ask if Bob could be assigned another roomie, the housing director intimated that I was persecuting the gay roommate and that if my son didn't start out rooming with the gay student, then Bob could go to another school. He can put in for a room change during the first two weeks of school if he wants to switch.
I was taken aback. The university (a Jesuit school) has no policy for gay/straight roommates, other than that they don't permit discrimination. Bob will room with the assigned roommate.
In doing an informal poll of my older children and their friends, I discovered that all but one had a gay roommate and didn't stay roommates for long.
Is it discrimination when a straight man doesn't want to room with a gay man? Do you think schools should have a policy about this?
–Worried Mom
Dear Worried: Evidently you understand and applaud your kids' ability to room with people of every background, race and creed, but you and your family draw the line at sexual orientation.
I agree with your school's policy not to discriminate. You could help your son by assuming that he will have a successful roommate experience, but let him know what his options are if he doesn't.
Sometimes students are held hostage by their roommates' nighttime schedule, alcohol use or indiscriminate dating life. That's why the school permits students to switch roommates after a two-week trial.
"My roommate is gay" in and of itself isn't a valid reason to switch in advance, any more than, "my roommate is Asian" would be.
This should be your son's issue to sort out on his own.
Is it discrimination when a straight man doesn't want to room with a gay man? Do you think schools should have a policy about this?
–Worried Mom
Dear Worried: Evidently you understand and applaud your kids' ability to room with people of every background, race and creed, but you and your family draw the line at sexual orientation.
I agree with your school's policy not to discriminate. You could help your son by assuming that he will have a successful roommate experience, but let him know what his options are if he doesn't.
Sometimes students are held hostage by their roommates' nighttime schedule, alcohol use or indiscriminate dating life. That's why the school permits students to switch roommates after a two-week trial.
"My roommate is gay" in and of itself isn't a valid reason to switch in advance, any more than, "my roommate is Asian" would be.
This should be your son's issue to sort out on his own.
My Response:
Dear Worried:
Let me run a few hypothetical situations past you. What if the roommate had not “friended” your son? Not only would your son would have no knowledge of his future roommate’s sexuality, it probably would have raised suspicions. What if there were no Facebook? You have to concede that the future roommate is pretty brave to post this information on his Facebook page. It also indicates that there are plenty of people currently in his life, including friends, family and possible employers, who have no problem with his sexuality.
Is your son attracted to every girl that passes by? Of course not. You are jumping to conclusions when you think that the roommate will automatically be attracted to your son. And that jump, in this case, is a long one. It may come as a shock to you that some gay men who are not attracted to straight men at all.
This is precisely the kind of homophobia that got Matthew Shepard killed. If the roommate makes a pass at “Bob” (and again this is a long shot) then the proper response is a firm but polite, “No, thanks. I’m not interested.” If the roommate persists, THEN it’s time to talk to the Resident Assistant.
Your “informal poll” proves nothing. Did you bother to ask WHY the other students changed roommates? It probably had nothing to do with sexuality of the former roommate and more with common lifestyle differences; IE one roomie was a neatnik and the other was a slob.
It appears that you are only concerned about gay sex. Don’t you have the same concerns about “Bob” having sex with a co-ed? What about the possibility of STDs or pregnancy? As an ex-Catholic I can assure that sex with anyone would be frowned upon at a Jesuit institution. Is your son using protection? Do I need to remind you that protection is also not officially allowed in the Catholic church.
And what the hell are you doing calling the residential life office on your son’s behalf? This is your son’s problem. (Although you were instrumental in instilling homophobia in your son. Congratulations on that, by the way.)
Butt out. College is supposed to be a learning experience. So let your son learn from this.
