Movie Review: An Angel Named Billy

Ouch! I’m writing this review with the film playing in the background, so sure am I that I’m not missing anything. The plot kinda resembles Sum of Us but without the good acting. And without the good production values. And without anything closely resembling a good movie. The plot has some possibilities but the writer/director squanders them on hollow, empty, stereotyped characters. At least the filmmaker didn’t pander to the audience with nudity. As bad as this movie is, there’s worse. But not many.

1 Star out of 5

Movie Review: The Books of John

If you’re any kind of storyteller, you have to be careful of starting your story with the end, because your audience has not developed any emotional connections with the characters. It can be done, but it has to be done carefully, artfully and with grace. The Books of John has none of these qualities. This film starts with the death of John, the eponymous title character. Co-directors and co-creators L. W. Smith and David Schweiger either don’t know how to involve the audience or didn’t bother. I’d like to think it was the former. An interesting premise wasted on bad storytelling, terrible acting and horrific audio. It’s better than most of it’s Ariztical brethren but that’s not saying much. Continuing my quest to find an Ariztical movie that doesn’t suck.

One Star out of Five

Movie Review: Blue Citrus Hearts

There are tons of coming out/coming of age films and with good reason; almost everyone has a coming out tale and most of us have a coming of age story. It’s our basic universal story. But this one misses the mark by a long shot. The audio is as bad as other reviewers have mentioned; in many scenes the music drowns out the dialog. Other reviewers have mentioned that they liked the music because it spoke to them or it was their kind of music. That’s fine, but that still doesn’t make it a good movie. That’s like saying the movie Xanadu is a great movie because you like the music. Look, if you want to feature your kind of music so prominently, make a music video. Then there’s the bad acting, the nausea-inducing shaky hand-held camera shots, and the paper-thin plot. I couldn’t finish watching it. If you want a good coming out/coming of age film, rent Beautiful Thing, Edge of Seventeen or Get Real. Yet another sucky Ariztical movie.

Bottom line: For Gen Y only, and probably not even then.

Zero stars out of 5

Quote

This powerful quote speaks for itself.

"To the kind souls who decided that I’m not equal, and voted to strip me, and others in my community of their constitutional rights, congratulations. Your bigotry and fear have won this day. In 40 years, when viewed through the prism of history, you’ll find yourselves as respected and loved as the racists and segregationists of the 1960s. In 40 years, when the first gay or lesbian wins the highest office in the land, you’ll be sharing the same lonely corner as those folks who yesterday couldn’t “vote for a n*gger,” and woke up to discover that an African American was president, and that history had passed them by.

"Until that day, I fear for the lives of your gay sons and lesbian daughters. The ones who can’t talk to you about it, and suffer silently. They’ll be dying for your choice, because teen suicide rates in gays and lesbians is driven by fear, and by feelings of worthlessness that proposition 8 reinforces. No doubt the ones who finally do come out, will suffer the indignity of either the scam of “reparative therapy” or homelessness, as so many do. Until that day, I fear for the children of gays and lesbians, who will face ridicule and discrimination at school because their families “aren’t real” and their mommies or daddies “aren’t really married.”

"Finally, I fear for you. If the God you worship is the one about whom I’ve read, you’ve got some serious explaining to do. Like the woman in John 8, I’d offer you the first stone, but I’m already bloodied by Proposition 8." - Lee Tucker, writing on his blog.

Hell Freezes Over

In a historic move, the Chicago Tribune has endorsed Barak Obama for president. So what, you say? So this is the first time EVER the Tribune, in it's 150+ year history, that has endorsed a Democrat. This includes two endorsements for Nixon and two for the current idiot in office.

It will be interesting to see who the Pantagraph endorses. They're even more conservative then the Trib, if that's possible.

Extreme Pumpkins

Just when you thought it was safe for your gourds, check this site out. Extreme Pumpkins

100 Greatest, Gayest Albums of All Time

This list of the 100 Greatest, Gayest Albums of All Time represents a lot of the music I listened to as a teenager, college student and young adult. Some of these I've never heard of. And some I played to death (Bronski Beat.)

Some quibbles: David Bowie's Let's Dance is at least as gay if not gayer than Ziggy.

I'm disappointed that Queen, ELO and The Communards are not represented. Especially Queen: In the mid- to late-seventies owning a Queen album was practically a red flag.

Cool Link

This color test reminds me of the Luscher Color Test popular in the seventies and early 80s. Oh wait, it is!

I took the free ColorQuiz.com personality test! "Seeks success, stimulation, and a life full of exp..." Click here to read the rest of the results.

Penney's Back To School Commercial

I think this commercial is total brilliance. Of course, the original movie was total brilliance, that's why it still resonates more than 20 years later.

An updated version of The Breakfast Club:

Mutt

Why is there no cat equivalent to mutt. Oh sure, there's 'Domestic Shorthair." But that doesn't have the impact of mutt. I mean, mutt says what it means and means what it says. Domestic Shorthair sounds like a politically correct term fashioned by a committee. The late, great George Carlin did a rant about this.

How about it? A new word for 'cat mutt?'

Kim Myles

Tonight the latest installment of Myles of Style. She's the winner of last summer's DesignStar 2 competition. And I have to say her show has rapidly become one of my favorites on HGTV because she does one thing that no other HGTV host does.

A bit of background; I was pulling for her early on in the competition. Would have liked to see more of Lisa, she seemed like a lot of fun and was certainly a wild dresser but her initial design sucked and she was rightly canned first. I also liked the little Hispanic girl; she seemed so passionate and she was a carpenter, which I think is cool. Rob -- no way. He made for great television but was way too abrasive and I couldn't picture him working well with anyone. Todd was pretty to look at (Take off your shirt!) and I liked his solo design. Ultimately, he and Kim ended up in the final competition where they had to design a luxury hotel suite. Kim's looked lovely and comfortable. Todd's looked like a teenage boy's bedroom.
So my vote went to Kim.
As I mentioned before I like her show a lot. She's perky, but then that's a prerequisite for HGTV hosts. She's got good ideas. I like her designs. Most seem doable for the average homeowner.

Here's what sets her apart: She's so collaborative. At least twice I heard her ask the homeowners "Is this OK?" or "What do you think?" or something to that effect. This is unique among HGTV hosts. Very cool. Course, none of the homeowners - yet- have said "Gee, it think it sucks." I'd like to see how she handles that.

But I have a guess that she'd handle it with class and flexibility.

Go Kim!

Movie Review: As Luck Would Have It

I really enjoyed this film despite the fact that it was French. (OK, it may be Swiss-French but I was unable find any info on IMDB.) I have a snarky nickname for French films: Plotless Wonders. That’s because when on the rare occasion French filmmakers deign to include something as pedestrian as a plot it’s buried under layers and layers of allegory, symbolism and metaphor. Not my cup of tea and because of this, I avoid French films as a rule. But this movie is a refreshing exception. And it actually has a plot although some coincidences are a bit too far-fetched to accept. It’s the funny and well-acted story of a literature professor who is appointed the guardian of a sixteen-year-old orphan. The more he protests the appointment, the deeper in trouble he gets. Some of the characters have sudden and unexplained personality changes but I was able to overlook this because most the characters are so likable and the story so much fun.

The French DO know how to make a good farce.

Well worth a rent!

Four Stars out of Five

Al Sharpton: Hypocrite Royale

The "Reverend" Al Sharpton threatened to approach the International Olympic Committee with a challenge to Chicago's 2016 bid to host the Olympics. He says that Chicago must investigate and implement a plan to control police brutality.

I do not for a moment deny that some Chicago police are out of control.

But I DO suggest that "Reverend" Al get his act together before he start throwing stones. To wit: just days after me made the threat to challenge Chicago's Olympic bid (Dec 10)here federal agents are raiding his offices looking for documentation about his presidential bid. Seems that some of his financial records were amiss and his staff inflated numbers to get additional matching taxpayer funds for his campaign. (Dec 13)

Hey, "Reverend" AL: Ya know that old saying about people who live in glass houses?

Put That Damn Checkbook Away

Would someone please explain to me why anyone writes a check for a purchase at a store anymore? Debit cards are so much faster and easier. All you have to do is remember to deduct. I only write checks to pay bills anymore.

Do us all a favor and break out your debit card!

Cheap-Ass SOB

If you're a cheap-ass son-of-a-bitch like me, here's some websites I check on a daily basis:

Woot One deal a day, usually electronics
Barganist A variety of products and services
Dealhack "We are obsessed with finding the best deals for our users"

Freaking Hilarious

The Complaint Choir of Chicago is about to make its debut! And in case you're not familiar with a Complaint Choir (and I wasn't until I read the story) they're a group of amateurs who get together to sing about the things they hate about their city. "Drunks who pee off their balcony." Buses that "bunch up worse than granny panties." And, of course, the Cubs.



Read the Tribune story here

Can't wait to see the Chicago video! Better yet, let's start a Bloomington-Normal Complaint Choir!

Debit Card Blues

I suspected something was wrong when McDonalds declined my Credit Union debit card. OK, no comments about McDonalds. And when I prepaid my cell account yesterday and the payment didn't go through, I knew I had to call the Credit Union.

Oh, I was girded for battle. I was pissed. I was ready to close my account which would be a shame since the CU has been so good to me over the years.

Call #1
I had to use my landlord's landline (ain't that a mouthful) to call since, of course, my cell was not working. I got through the usual menu bullshit by pressing 0. (Works with most systems. Try it sometime.) Got a very friendly young man who looked at my account (WITHOUT asking my password) and then transferred me to the bookkeeping department. Oh, hell no. I KNOW there's money in there. After several rings -- I lost count -- the voicemail system kicked in. I couldn't leave a message. I didn't want to. I wanted this resolved NOW!!
So I hung up and called back.

Call #2
Kristen answered, DID ask for my password (kudos to her) and then transferred me to someone else. Before she did, I explained that my cell phone wasn't working (because my payment hadn't gone through) and leaving a message was not an option for me.
She then transferred me to Laurie who found that October 8th there were three failed attempts to use my card with a PIN. I remembered what that was. Lucy had was going to the cheapest place in town to buy cigs (shockingly the downtown CVS has the lowest prices) and offered to picke me up some, too. She told me when she got back that she had trouble with the PIN.
Anyway, Laurie told me the card froze with 3 bad attempts and she reactivated it right there.

So it looks like I'll be maintaining my accounts there a bit longer.

Another Black Eye For Substitute Teachers

Another substitute teacher has been charged with inappropriate behavior. Just what we need. It's getting harder and harder to become a substitute. One has to be fingerprinted, submit to a criminal background check and have a physical and/or TB test.

They're protecting the kids, of course, which I fully support.

What I'm worried about is how many more hoops they're going to concoct because of idiots, losers and perverts like this guy.

Substitute Teacher Pleads Guilty (Chicago Tribune)

Add this story to the growing list of bad subs: The teacher in Chicago who showed Brokeback Mountain to an 8th grade class, the sub in Bloomington convicted of child molestation and another who is charged with child porn.

Thanks a lot, guys. You freakin' idiots.

Let's Pause For A Moment Of Silence

Illinois has just passed a state law mandating a moment of silence at the beginning of the day for public schools.

I think this quote from Neil Codell, superintendent of Niles Township High School District says it all:

"No wonder we're down at the bottom of all the states in school funding because this is what they [lawmakers] spend their time on."

Ridiculous.

10 Really Bad Gay-Themed Movies

These are NOT "So Bad They're Good." They just plain suck. Avoid them at all costs!
And I'm not picking on indies. It's entirely possible to have a classy independent film on a low budget: Priscilla, Big Eden, Latter Days.
To the producers, directors, screenwriters: Know your audience! Most gay men have attended college and some of us have advanced degrees. Stop insulting our intelligence!
Three words of advice: Character driven plots.

Get Your Stuff:
This movie is misleading. Start with with the cover art. We see two hunky guys frolicking poolside. I'm sick and tired of gay filmmakers pandering to us with shirtless hunky guys. Note to filmmakers: We, the viewing public, have caught onto the fact that eye candy does not make a good or even watchable film. Plus the cover has absolutely nothing to do with the film itself.
Modern Family Values? Gimme a break! Phil and Eric live in Beverly Hills where the only real family value is greed. They don't have a clue about how to relate to each other let alone how to raise kids. They seem to think, and want the audience to believe, if you and your troublesome charges tinker with the car and splash in the pool that the brats will magically transform from little monsters to perfectly acceptable young men. Nothing futher from the truth!
The only situations that were remotely accurate were the character of Gloria and the initial attitudes of the two boys. ("We're too old to be adopted," the older boy tells his brother.)
Add in some abysmal production values (all the interior scenes sound as if they were shot in an echo chamber) and you've got a film that jumps more sharks than Discovery Channel during Shark Week.
Get Your Stuff and get out of the theater!

Chuck and Buck:
I'm an intelligent man but I simply don't "get" this movie. I've seen it described as a black comedy. Sure, if you find emotional retardation and stalking funny. Both Chuck and Buck are so unlikable I had a hard time caring about the outcome of these characters. Chuck because he's so creepy and Buck because he's so selfish, abusive, and abrasive. As a storyteller, you've got to be very careful about making your central characters as unlikable as these, unless they have some sort of redeeming characteristic. And neither Chuck nor Buck have any.
There's some pretty poor production values here, too. Just because a film has a limited budget doesn't mean it has to look and sound like it. To wit: Adventures of Priscilla, Big Eden, Latter Days.
I think part of the buzz surrounding this film is that it got some praise at Sundance. If this is the future of gay cinema, Goddess help us all.
Now, show me a movie where Chuck enters some intense therapy, grows up emotionally, learns to function as a normal human being and how to function in society as a gay man. THAT would be a movie I'd want to see.

9 Dead Gay Guys
9 Reasons not to watch this film.
Silly. Offensive. Unfunny. Dubious. Plotless. Charm-free. Boring. Worthless. Stupid.
I think the last one pretty much covers it all.

200 American
We viewers have been inundated with gay hustler movies lately, to the point where it's becoming a cliche. What is the endless fascination? Frankly, I'm sick of them. This movie did nothing to break out of the gay hustler cliche. The acting is acceptable and the actors pretty to look at but the dialog is unbelievably bad. ("Hello! One Life to Live called. They want their dialog back.") I admit that I did chuckle at the stuck elevator scene. Sad that some seemingly talented actors couldn't have been given some better dialog.
The plot has no real story arc or climax, in fact seems to change focus halfway through the film.

The characterizations are sloppy. Even some of the minor characters such as Ted and Emily and the foul-mouthed models are as likable and funny as fingernails on a chalkboard. Ian is pretty well-developed but the screenwriter doesn't seem to know where he's going with Conrad. Is Conrad a jerk? Are we supposed to feel sympathy toward him because of his recent breakup? He comes across as petty and vindictive (the blanket incident described in the elevator) and that's a dangerous position to place a major character in. In any storyline, if you have an unlikeable character as a lead and you want to engage your audience, you'd better make sure s/he has some redeeming quality. And Conrad has none.

The character of the grandfather was one of the few bright spots in the film.

In the end, the movie never really answers the question posed in its tagline: "What are you worth?" It would have been a much better movie if it did.

Sugar
Question: What do you get when you mix a bad screenplay with no plot, unbelievable situations like the little sister, bad production values and scenes inserted only to shock (pardon the pun) like the servicing of the 500 lb. woman? Answer: Sugar!

Cliff has an identity crisis. Big deal. So what? Which one of us hasn't at some point turned to drugs and hustling to figure out the meaning of life? I know that was my chosen path of enlightenment.

Unlikable characters, flimsy plot, bad production values (everything is so dark I had to adjust the brightness on my monitor) and situations that are so far-fetched they are more appropriate for a comic book. This trashy film asks us to suspend disbelief so often you'll feel like you were hired by your local electric company to string power lines.

Other reviewers have called this film gritty. It's gritty, all right. Gritty like sand in your sugar.

Lie Down With Dogs
"Woof woof bark bark ruff ruff yap woof woof bark bark." What Rover is trying to tell us is that when you Lie Down With Dogs, you get fleas. Neuter it before it reproduces!
Go lay down!

Circuit
I'd like to help the Director Dirk Shafer and the screenwriter Gregory Hinton make this a better movie.

This movie took me to a place I am unlikely never to see; the world of circuit parties. Some reviewers have praised this film for it's honesty and unflinching look at circuit parties. WHO CARES? If I wanted to learn about circuit parties, I'd tour the local sewage treatment plant.

Mr. Shafer and Mr Hinton, you can't seem to make up your minds if this film is supposed to be a fictional account or if it's a documentary. It fails miserably at both. The film tries to show the shallowness, danger and narcissism of the circuit lifestyle and becomes shallow and narcissistic itself. The plot is razor-thin (pardon the pun) the musical montages are wincingly bad. Worst of all the characters are cardboard cut-outs moved from scene to scene. We never really see any motivation let alone any growth. And in place of redemption Shafer offers a cheap and easy out: death.

I make these suggestions, Mr. Shafer, because I think -- and correct me if I'm wrong -- that you were trying to make a fictional film. Because if you were trying to make a documentary you would have partnered with Ken Burns and gotten funding from the Corporation for Public Broadcasting.

The best movies have character-driven plots. My .02 Mr. Shafer: you really missed the boat with the main character. John leaves Illinois because he's been outed at work as a police officer and is led into the vacuous and empty world of the gay circuit party. Allow me to make some suggestions. Why doesn't he get a job as a cop in LA -- or at least attempt to? That would have lead to all sorts of interesting developments. How do his new coworkers feel about his sexuality? How does he deal with the demands of his job after a hard night of partying? How do the other characters such as Hector react to John's getting a job? Cop in LA --let's see...corruption, Rodney King...lots of opportunities there.

One last suggestion. Instead of having John leave Illinois couldn't he move to that big city up there by Lake Michigan? What's the name of it again? The city that beat LA as the USOC candidate for the 2016 Olympics? Oh yeah -- Chicago. But, silly me, gay men only live on the two coasts and the middle of America is simply a vast wasteland to be flown over.

And treated with the utmost contempt.

10 Attitudes
Ya want attitudes? I got 10 of them for this movie: Disgust. Contempt. Dismay. Insulted. Reviled. Bored. Disrespect. Stupid. Shallow. Sense of Humor-ectomy.


Sideline Secrets
I should have known from the pretty shirtless boys on the cover. For low-budget indie films that's a tipoff that the filmmaker (and in this case 'filmmaker' is a very generous term) is going to try to substitute soft-core porn for any semblence of a real movie. Which is fine if that's what you want. I didn't. Call me wacky but I expect more from my moviegoing experience; hmm...let's see...a plot would be nice, some continuity, some decent production values, and some acceptable acting.

I've said it before: Just because a film is low-budget doesn't mean it has to look low- budget. The wardrobe department of Adventures of Priscilla bought most of the costumes at K-Mart on a 15% employee discount and they took home an Oscar for Best Costumes!
Too bad there isn't an Oscar for posing because that's all the actors in this film can do.
Know your audience, Mr. Vasquez. Many gay men have attended college and some of us have advanced degrees. This piece of trash is insulting to our intelligence.
Sideline Secrets should have remained both on the sideline and a secret.

Speedway Junky
Don't care that it's produced by Gus Van Sant. All the more reason not to watch it as far as I'm concerned.