The Care and Feeding of Cashiers

Cashiering at both the bookstore and the office supply store this summer reminds me of some of the basic cashiering etiquette rules I'd enact if I were king.

--We don't want your pennies. Really. We have plenty in the register. And if you insist on giving us your pennies, have them ready. We don't want to watch you dig through your purse or pockets for the damn things. And don't even attempt to pay for your purchase with pennies unless you have them completed counted out and rolled in fifty-cent denominations. Also, don't act like you're doing us a big favor by unloading your pennies on us.

--Want your change handed to you? Yes, so do we. Not on the counter. Plus, handing the change to us will make the transaction go faster.

--We're really not kidding when we tell you your check or credit card has been declined. Why would we kid about a thing like that?

--Speaking of checks, if you're looking to get out the door quickly, don't write a check. Use a credit or debit card. Even with technology, writing a check is still the most time-consuming way to pay. We still have to verify the information on the check.

--What's with "I need this in two (or three) separate transactions?" Just buy the shit in one shot and figure it out later.

--We'd be glad to do a price check for you but remember if you don't like the price, we don't have a magic wand to change it. If you want a price adjustment the cashier is probably going to have to get a supervisor involved, which is going to delay you, and the people behind you even more.

--Guess where you can shove that cell phone? What the hell is so important that you can't call back after the transaction is over? When you carry on a conversation with someone on a cell phone while you're trying to check out you run the risk of missing an important question or part of the transaction. Often, your conversation is at best not pertinent and sometimes contains Too Much Information.

--Most major corporations require a tax-exempt letter on file to make purchases. Don't show up with your tax-exempt letter and expect to get your purchase tax-free. Register it. And don't cop an attitude about it.

--Don't cut in line.

--Don't try to return shit that you have obviously shredded.